Just the thought of losing you completely and forever makes my stomach tighten and makes me feel sick.

I don’t think there are enough words for me to explain what’s really going on through my head right now. All I really know is that I would never be able to have or find someone like you in my life ever again, especially if I lose you. I’ve learned that sometimes one of the worst mistakes an individual can make is walking away from someone especially if that individual stood there for them through a lot and waited for them. No matter what the situation was. Baby if this really is the end of us, I just wanna say thank you. Thank you for being there for me all these months. I could honestly never thank you enough for it. You have no idea how much it means to me. These months have been the worse for me and also my family. No one else has been there for me like you have. You’ve given me great advice and I’m just so thankful for it all. To be honest, I’m gonna be a complete fool for losing you. An idiot. I’m never gonna forgive myself. Especially for all the hurt and disappointment I’ve given you. You deserved so much better than me and you know that. I’m nothing compared to you. You’re one in a trillion. Only your thoughts occupy my mind and not a day goes by without me thinking about you. Let me remind you that I do love you. We’re not perfect, but you certainly do make this all worth it. All the laughs, the adventures, the everything. I don’t regret any of it. Why? Because you were worth it all. Even all of the fights..
You’re still always so worth it. I’d go through anything just to still be yours and you be mine. I don’t wanna lose you. I guess you can say good relationships don’t just happen.. they take patience and two people who really want to be together. But it’s just that when someone special walks into your life and is able to change things for the better, you can’t just let them walk away… I know I haven’t treated you right, I know that.. But I’m trying. I’m trying because I can’t lose you. If I do I’d be a wreck. You’re the only one I want. I don’t want anyone else but you. I’m willing to forget about every other guy just for you. You’re the one… I know it… You wanna know what’s the best thing in my life right now? You. You’re the real reason I’m still smiling. Yeah we’ve been arguing a lot lately but we always find a way to make up.. we always find a way… You’re in my heart, my mind, and always will be.. No matter how many faces I set my eyes upon, I will hardly notice anyone anymore because I already set my heart up for you.. I promised you not to leave as soon as things get harder…

  12/29/13 at 09:18pm

What is happening?…

Like I’ve seriously never done so bad in school or anything in my life. I’m usually always getting passing grades and all but not this time. Everything just seems so hard for me this year. I seriously have had so much stuff going on that I just happen to end up not doing anything really productive at the end of the day because I’m too busy trying to do it all at once and I just can’t seem to focus on anything anymore because I have so much on my mind and I only wish things would just fucking get better for me but they have just been getting worse!! Lately everything has just been going terribly wrong for me and I’m so tired of it! I’m just so tired of everything!! School, my health, my parents, EVERYTHING! no one really knows all of the shit I go through! If you did you’d have some damn sympathy for me. 

I honestly wish I could just isolate myself for a long time and not have to come back to deal with all this. It’s ridiculous and seriously so hard I can’t take it. I can’t focus on anything if my parents are always arguing and are getting a divorce. That’s not something you can easily get your mind off and try to ignore. Especially when they’re telling YOU to chose who to live with right then and there. That’s way too much for me to handle. All of this has been making me sick. School is also extremely exhausting and is driving me nuts. My blood pressure has been going up numerous times because of all the stuff going on in my mind. I can’t seem to focus on anything! and since I can’t do that, it makes me have insane headaches every damn day. I had to be rushed to the hospital Saturday because of it. I passed out because I couldn’t take it. 

NO ONE KNOWS OF THE SHIT I HAVE TO GO THROUGH EVERY DAMN DAY. I’M JUST SO FUCKING TIRED OF IT!!

  12/17/13 at 12:59am

Hell, he may actually enjoy it more and decide that this break may need to be a permanent thing. It’s just so hard to say goodbye.

  09/08/13 at 10:15pm

i don’t know how to feel like are you supposed to feel the same way about a break as you do about a break UP because sometimes i feel like it’s a break up and other times like we’ve just hit the pause button and play’s right there to be pressed soon so why even be upset right but then again no 

  09/08/13 at 10:11pm

I guess it’s just what’s best.

But the thing is, I try to distract myself.. but then yet again I think over everything and what I could have done differently. This break scares me. You hear people talk about heart break or that they’re taking a break and you don’t understand why there was such heart ache. Maybe it’s because you put your heart, sole and energy towards a person and then within seconds or a couple words your world is back to the way things were before you knew them or dated them.

How can you flip a switch like that… You can’t that’s why.

I can’t lose you and what I was terrified of happening is happening.

I love you and I always will.

  09/08/13 at 10:09pm

Two weeks.

  09/08/13 at 09:56pm

My heart is aching.

  07/23/13 at 01:21am

I just can’t believe I almost lost you today..

Just the thought of you thinking of giving up and leaving crushed me to shreds.. please don’t do this… I would never leave you, no matter what. even with all the arguments, I know we’re gonna get through them. I’ve NEVER even thought of leaving you. you’re worth everything to me.

I need you. please, I’m begging you. 

Don’t leave me like this. don’t give up on me so easily…. I know I’m a handful but please… please don’t do this.. 

Ugh I just can’t stop fucking shaking and crying. wtf have I done. 

  07/23/13 at 01:05am

So it’s been a while..

Although I haven’t wrote in a few weeks… I actually spent half my evening reading through some old posts I’ve written over the last couple of months, and I laugh, just a little bit to myself, thinking how silly and overly dramatic I’ve been for crying and ranting over those stupid things - things that don’t necessarily make sense now, or even matter. And suddenly I feel as if a lightbulb just lit up, as I begin to question just how important the things I stress about really are. They’re not. Not half as important as they should be, and I should stop. It doesn’t really matter, anymore. I shouldn’t dwell, I shouldn’t worry, I shouldn’t care as much. But it’s more of a natural thing to do I guess… to worry, to care, to be human. Because despite knowing how utterly useless it is to stress about things that would no longer matter a number of years from now, it’s the one thing I’m good at.

  07/11/13 at 12:34am

I just feel like the worst person right now..

I shouldn’t be doing this.. It’s wrong. but I just can’t help it…

I can’t stop thinking about him.. 

  05/04/13 at 12:25am